So, I'm not one who likes to be negative. For those close to me you know this. But I consider this blog to be a place where I can lay my thoughts down and be done with them. Right now I need to vent. This is my disclaimer. For those of you who might not want to read about my struggles, please don't. It will not hurt my feelings in any way. I do not want to pass this burden on to anyone. I just want to get this off my chest.....
The business thing is going really slow right now. We haven't received much work. We just got some on Thur. but that was the first we have had since Tues of the prior week. The work that we receive wasn't even enough to keep us busy for more than 3 hours and we were done. I know that businesses don't start fast. I don't expect mine to. But I am a little worried about our money situation. Some of you may be thinking, "Well just go get another job". I would love to. But my business requires me to travel and sometimes at last minute. With Tasha being pregnant I'm the only one that can make the trips. Therein lies the problem. I'm torn and I have no idea what to do. My mind runs constantly trying to find a solution day and night. I lay in bed with my eyes wide open for hours trying to figure out something. But nothing comes to me. All I see is dark that fades into morning with a faint light of hope. What hope.... God. He carries me now. Because I have no strength. I have exhausted every once of my energy trying to keep things together. God is my savior. Tonight I fell. Not physically, but mentally. As I started typing this is was mad, disappointed, and scared. Mad and disappointed in myself for not being able to take care of my family the way a man is suppose to. A scared because I'm about to bring a child into this already unstable world.
Now, As i type this I find my strength. God. And I pray:
"Father God take me into your hand. Lift me up and hold me so that I may go on. Lay my head at your heart so that I may rest. Bless my family and help me to provide for them in this life. Help me to show them your way so that you may provide to them in the next life. Your are my God and I never stand alone. You will provide for me because you said that you will. I love you Father God. Thank you for every blessing in my life. Though I may not always see, they greatly out weigh the bad. Thank you most of all for Your Son Jesus. For that is the most precious gift of all. Your promise for a bridge that we may speak to our Father. As your child I drop to my knees, broken. I have only my life to offer and it is nothing. Take me and guild me to be the husband, son, christian that you want me to be. I love you Father God. In Jesus Holy name. Amen."
About 23 years ago a man had a son. He loved him, I know he did. 3 years later he had another. And he loved him too. Then 2 years after he brought a beautiful baby girl into the world and he loved all three of them. This man has been through thick and thin with his children. He has stood behind them 100%. He has held many jobs to provide for his family. Some not as glorious as the rest, but he did them anyway. This man is my father. If he can have this kind of love for us, to provide for us the way he has, then I can't even imagine what God has to offer. His love is so great and his promise so strong that he took his Son and let ME nail him to the cross. My Dad would kill and be killed so that I may live. My Father ,LET me kill, his one perfect son... so that I may live.
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3 comments:
Only our Father loves you more than your father. In Him comes strength, courage, direction, hope and most important LOVE. Earthly fathers make many mistakes, I have and you will also and only though comes the peace to keep going. I can't tell you what deciscions to make in order not to make the wrong ones, I can tell you that will only grow from bad choices. You and you family love of God is what will prevail all. Love and trust in Him, the way I love and trust in you !
You know as well as I do that God will not lead you down the wrong road to a dead end. There is a reason you are where you are and doing what you are doing. Trust in Him and I know you do, and He will show the way. You are a great person, son, husband and are going to be a wonderful father. You will come closer to understanding how much God loves you when Parker is born. We love you and miss you both! Keep praying and we will too! Love, Mom!
My prayers are with you (especially during your frustrating times). I hope you are finding peace knowing that you God will never desert you and keeping your faith will make you stronger during good times and stressful times. Parker is so very blessed to have you as his Dad. He will be so loved, just as you are.
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